> If it were me, I'd probably try grabbing a coffee/tea/beer with him outside of the office
That's exactly what I have done before. I mean, I work with Jerry every day, and we would regularly go out for a beer after work to talk.
In asking about it, the response with "stress, and let's keep it behind us."
Maybe it is stress, maybe it's not, and maybe I am doing something that provokes Jerry unknowingly, but in any of these cases, does it give him the right to respond like that? If I am doing something to provoke him, and he's put in a situation that allows for speaking freely, away from other coworkers, and he still can't tell me what it is, is there any way for me to stop doing it?
> You haven't stated whether you have talked to Jerry directly about this, if you haven't I suggest this would be a first step.
The only time we've discussed these things is during the post-mortem/apology phase, and it has always been the same reason, stress. I could inquire about it after during a time when Jerry is more professional, I have not tried that.
> One idea I would suggest is to bow down to all his requests, no matter how silly
I have considered this, but since I have learned attempts to resolve this on my own are at best futile or at worst provoke further attacks, I now immediately raise this to my boss's attention, who spends time to calm him down, and at the same time repeals the demands.
I honestly think right now, my best course of action is to prepare for interviews and spend some time lining up something to switch over to. If it happens again between then and now, that will just accelerate my plans.
> ... but since I have learned attempts to resolve this on my own are at best futile or at worst provoke further attacks ...
He sounds like a nutter, getting a new job sounds like a good idea.
I was just thinking, he said sorry, which I find surprising (although whether or not he is sincere is another matter). At my last job I never got an apology for bad behaviour. A young girl who I worked was fucking horrible, when I demanded an apology for her threatening to punch me in the face, she just denied it like a cunt.
> Since every time there has been intervention by my boss prior to an apology, I have no idea if that was requested by my boss or not.
Now that is interesting, I'm guessing that your boss was responsible for those "sorries".
> May I ask what the conclusion was? Did you end up changing jobs?
The conclusion was I got into a lot of trouble for shouting at her, the 2IC was warning me that I could be put on an employment blacklist (he was lying through his teeth), and everyone else just believed her side of the story. I was released from that job a month later. The boss was almost an alcoholic, so I'm not surprised that it was a horror house. I was told that I was "hired by mistake", have you ever come across this situation?
That's why you've been advised to talk to a lawyer. If you do that, your lawyer might start throwing around terms like "hostile work environment," and such, which will get attention, but not necessarily the kind of attention your're after. If you're not careful, you could end up fired (possibly illegally, but suing for this opens up another can of worms -- who wants to be the guy who sued his last employer?).
If you've gone all the way up the chain in management and nobody is willing or able to do anything for you, your only choice is to either suck it up or do something about it yourself.
The moral factor hits home, as if I did this, then one of us would be out of a job, regardless. It feels like a failure regardless of the outcome.
I also know from prior conversations that it would result in me being the one walking, as while my position is important and my tenure at the company longer, I would be easier to replace vs Jerry.
It is a failure, but it's not your failure. Your boss failed to bring about a positive outcome, and the only thing in your power is to deprive them of an employee that they clearly don't deserve. Good luck!
If neither is concerned with how Jerry treats his co-workers it might be time to update the resume.
Both are aware, and I've already spoken with them about it.
The response was, from my boss, that nothing can be done as if he leaves, it would set the, now struggling, company back months at least, and from my boss's boss (company is small, so they are both C level), that the problem will go away with the reduction of stress once there is eventually someone hired to help with Jerry's responsibilities.
I do not disagree with my boss, Jerry's position is critical and he's already doing the work meant for three. However, we've been hiring for that position for 8 months now, and we've had a net loss of employees there of 2. I also don't feel that an additional employee or more would solve the problem, as the position will always require some level of stress on Jerry.
You're right in that I should prepare for a job change, and I've already started, I'm just hoping there's something I can do or try, since it used to be an amazing company to work for, and with the exception of this major issue, otherwise still is.
I'm reminded of the statement from the Netflix culture slides circulating around the net (paraphrasing): a company's culture is evident in who gets promotions and praise, not what is in a values statement.
Your management is willing to ignore childish behavior because it helps their bottom line. The path is clear - decide if you want to work in an organization that exhibits those values. If not, move on.
If <two> c-level execs are fully aware of this and making excuses for it, you're facing a serious problem. They are either scared (ie, not confident) that their own positions are at stake (ie, BOD will fire them), or they are displaying their true selves in a way which is unflattering (to say the least). I agree with mode0, you have to make a decision and develop a strategy in light of that.
That's exactly what I have done before. I mean, I work with Jerry every day, and we would regularly go out for a beer after work to talk.
In asking about it, the response with "stress, and let's keep it behind us."
Maybe it is stress, maybe it's not, and maybe I am doing something that provokes Jerry unknowingly, but in any of these cases, does it give him the right to respond like that? If I am doing something to provoke him, and he's put in a situation that allows for speaking freely, away from other coworkers, and he still can't tell me what it is, is there any way for me to stop doing it?