When I was younger, I was like you describe. I'd lay awake nights kinda freaked out that I would die some day.
I remember looking up life expectancy and comforting myself that I had more than 75% or whatever left. When that wasn't enough, I'd think about how far away I was from graduation, and how, even after that, I'd have whatever-percent left.
I knew it didn't work that way, and it was irrational, but it helped me sleep, so I did it.
I'd absolutely panic if I had a fight with a family member at night and didn't have a chance to make up before bed -- what if I died before morning!
But, illnesses never scared me much.
Then one day.
One day, I was at the doctor's office, having a minor outpatient surgery performed. Very minor, local anesthetic only, procedure takes 10 minutes.
And the doc stuck me with the needle for the anesthetic, and it hurt just a little more than expected, and vasovagal reaction, and I fainted. Tunnel vision, echoing sound, sense of impending doom, blackness.
I was awake again before I finished falling back on the exam table, but I had a major panic attack. Never happened before in my life, but suddenly I was in an unimaginable blind panic, hyperventilating like mad, hands and feet starting to tingle and feel like they were vibrating.
Took two hours to calm down enough that they let me leave.
From that day on, anxiety attacks were a part of my life. For awhile, they were uncontrollable, and I started down the path that leads to agoraphobia. Before I locked myself in my dorm room forever, I got the anxiety just barely enough under control to keep living. I learned to talk about my anxiety very frankly with anyone who would stand still long enough to listen. This might be awkward oversharing, but it prevented me from getting stuck in the feedback loop that keeps people locked at home -- fear of the embarrassment of a panic attack being enough to start one.
I eventually learned to repeat my anxiety mantra aloud: "if every time I felt short of breath was really a heart attacks, I'd already have died long ago -- so these are not heart attacks"
Anyway, long story, but the result is that 20 years later, I rarely have attacks anymore, though I'm still a bit of an anxious soul. I don't often have that existential angst that used to lead me to count lifespans as a teen.
But I do get massively panicky when I'm sick, now.
I'm not sure what you said that compelled me to write this, but... it needed to get out.
I just wanted—anonymously, sadly, because mental health issues are still stigmatized—to let you know that you’re not alone on this one.
I also had a combination of a vasovagal episode and a panic attack, and it has taken years to mostly get over the resulting panic disorder. (It wasn’t helped by the fact that, during one trip to the ER for panic, a nurse performed an EKG incorrectly and I was misdiagnosed with a heart condition and admitted to the cardiac ward for the night. I still can’t believe that one.)
Being sick makes me panicky too. I have a host of coping techniques and it seems to get easier each year, but it still sucks. Having to mentally navigate the current pandemic seems to be adding some resilience, at least.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. It helped to read it. Best of luck.
Thank you for replying! It is good to hear from other people who really understand!
It's hard sometimes, because even people who are sympathetic and want to help just sometimes really don't understand.
It's like "I know I'm not dying. That doesn't have any bearing on the fact that I'm currently having a massive panic over feeling like I'm dying!"
It's been 15 years since that first attack, now. I still have a few every year -- and things that used to scare me a bit sometimes now break me unexpectedly. I've just learned not to be too embarrassed by it, and I've learned how to explain it to whoever happens to be with me when I melt down, and I've learned (through experience) that those feelings are just my anxiety, and not impending doom.
Most people who know me well know about my anxiety, but if you let me casually, you wouldn't know.
Except when I get sick, I function quite well these days. When I had what I still think was the coronavirus back in February, I became a wreck again, (symptoms of shortness of breath are probably the top trigger, since they'll start the anxiety, which then makes the breathing worse, which is the anxiety spiral all over again) but I recovered after two weeks, and am actually holding up well in my locked-down world.
I was probably no fun to talk to during my illness, so I owe thanks to all my friends who listened to my panicked whining for two solid weeks
I started getting what I now think are probably anxiety attacks a few years ago. I have asthma and now some GERD symptoms, so every once in awhile, I get symptoms that mirror the online warning symptoms for heart attack: numb left arm, tingles throughout my body, lightheadedness, skipped heart beats, chest tightness, chest is painful to the touch, etc.
I'd go to urgent care and they'd always be like "well you have a normal EKG but you should go to the hospital to be sure" and then the emergency room will talk to me, take my blood, monitor me for a few hours and take my blood again (sometimes it takes awhile for the markers of a heart attack to show up), and then tell me it was probably just heartburn.
I've gone five times in the last 2 years for this same song and dance (I skip urgent care now). I have had these feelings happen about 20 times besides that, so I'm not even going every single time, there's just some especially scary ones that make me go "It's probably nothing, but just in case!" Last time I was driving and could barely focus on the road, which was new. I was pretty close to an ER and even then I pulled off the side of the road and tried to calm down for 20 minutes before finally deciding to go in.
I'm only in my 30s, but I have seeing more and more stories of people dying from heart attacks that young (I know it's still rare, but it can happen), so that doesn't help. And if for some reason it ever does become a heart attack, I probably won't tell the difference and might not go in for it, and end up dead.
So yeah, anxiety over heart attacks can be no joke. I have real symptoms that manifest over it. Sorry you're going through this. I don't know if it'll ever go away for me, myself. Worried it might just be something I have to live with from now on.
But I'm fine normally except for the rare attacks. Even this pandemic isn't really bothering me too much, although I'm doing my best to avoid getting it, especially since I have other issues that could lead to a bad outcome (like the already mentioned asthma).
Real anxiety with potent physical symptoms is very much not "all in our heads"
Anxiety can be debilitating when it strikes. On top, it can create these crushing feedback loops.
I mentioned above the common-ish version in severe agoraphobia -- where fear of having an anxiety attack becomes powerful enough to cause them all by itself. That is the usual root cause of those stories you occasionally hear about people who lock themselves away for 10+ years, never going outside or being with anyone, except maybe one or two "safe people"
It sounds like you ended up like me with a version where the feedback loop is anxiety -> palpitations -> health-anxiety -> major panic -> health panic.
I have read hundreds of detailed descriptions of the symptoms of all manner of serious diseases over they years, looking for the clue that I might not be dying. Not because I "really thought" that I was, but because I was having self-perpetuating anxiety over it.
It's not the same as hypochondria, because I don't really rationally think that I have the condition in question, I just persistently fear that I do.
It's nice to talk to someone who understands. I'm glad you are coping OK for the moment. I am too.
I don't think it's being a hypochondriac if you have actual symptoms that people go see the doctor for. If they could point to a test and go "Look, there's no way you're going to have a heart attack in the next two years, your X level is too low", then I'd be perfectly fine. It doesn't seem like there's a good test for that though.
Funny thing was, for the longest time I always thought "I'm pretty damn healthy, except for the allergies and asthma." Never really worried about my health much, except a little when I got a bad case of bronchitis.
Those thoughts and feelings suddenly stopped right around when I turned 30 and started getting combinations of minor symptoms just about everywhere on my body off and one all the time.
Probably also that's when I started knowing people that died really young and suddenly (or had close calls) from various things like sleep apnea, heart attacks, leg clots, aneurisms, etc. Seriously, video/board game industry has had quite a few of these young but sudden deaths lately, including some people I knew personally.
When you have symptoms that match those things, it's hard not to feel like it's better to be safe than sorry.
Havw you ever had a scope or scan/x-ray at the time of the attack? If it's that serious then it sounds like you may have a very significant hernia at those times.
There are surgeries that can help with hernias (which can come and go like that).
Another thing, have you tried Nexium? For me that has been really useful to reduce symptoms (although I do still have some serious symptoms).
But it sounds like you have a more significant hernia.
There might be something to the hernia idea. I noticed my solar plexus area can stick out slightly at times (especially when I was leaning back last night). I always thought it was just the bone in my ribcage (mostly feels hard like the ribs surrounding it), but maybe it's more than that. I might have to get it checked out after this is over.
If I do have it, I think it's still pretty minor, at least compared to some pictures of hiatal and epigastric hernias I see online. It hasn't ever stuck out that far, and no doctor has ever noticed a problem.
Yet another reason to lose a bunch of weight. Throw it on the pile. Need to get my act together.
I've had chest X-Rays at the ER each time, usually. They have yet to mention anything about a hernia. The one that seems most likely is a hiatal hernia, considering the symptoms, but that should show up on a chest x-ray, especially with as many as I've had.
Also, I used to take Prilosec, but usually now I'll just give up all caffeine, soda, fatty foods, most tomatoes and citrus for two weeks, and that seems to put me back in a state where I can tolerate it again. Until I push the boundary again. I've heard some worrying things about long-term use of some heartburn medicine, so I try not to take it.
And all of us with similar stories are all suffering now because everything we’ve worked up to control our panic is exactly the thing that triggers it. Fuck me.
I remember looking up life expectancy and comforting myself that I had more than 75% or whatever left. When that wasn't enough, I'd think about how far away I was from graduation, and how, even after that, I'd have whatever-percent left.
I knew it didn't work that way, and it was irrational, but it helped me sleep, so I did it.
I'd absolutely panic if I had a fight with a family member at night and didn't have a chance to make up before bed -- what if I died before morning!
But, illnesses never scared me much.
Then one day.
One day, I was at the doctor's office, having a minor outpatient surgery performed. Very minor, local anesthetic only, procedure takes 10 minutes.
And the doc stuck me with the needle for the anesthetic, and it hurt just a little more than expected, and vasovagal reaction, and I fainted. Tunnel vision, echoing sound, sense of impending doom, blackness.
I was awake again before I finished falling back on the exam table, but I had a major panic attack. Never happened before in my life, but suddenly I was in an unimaginable blind panic, hyperventilating like mad, hands and feet starting to tingle and feel like they were vibrating.
Took two hours to calm down enough that they let me leave.
From that day on, anxiety attacks were a part of my life. For awhile, they were uncontrollable, and I started down the path that leads to agoraphobia. Before I locked myself in my dorm room forever, I got the anxiety just barely enough under control to keep living. I learned to talk about my anxiety very frankly with anyone who would stand still long enough to listen. This might be awkward oversharing, but it prevented me from getting stuck in the feedback loop that keeps people locked at home -- fear of the embarrassment of a panic attack being enough to start one.
I eventually learned to repeat my anxiety mantra aloud: "if every time I felt short of breath was really a heart attacks, I'd already have died long ago -- so these are not heart attacks"
Anyway, long story, but the result is that 20 years later, I rarely have attacks anymore, though I'm still a bit of an anxious soul. I don't often have that existential angst that used to lead me to count lifespans as a teen.
But I do get massively panicky when I'm sick, now.
I'm not sure what you said that compelled me to write this, but... it needed to get out.