Unfortunatly, like NVC, arguing from compassion is really hard to fake.
You may force yourself to practice it, and you will improve. But as soon as you get heat up in the moment, it will all go away.
What really helps you to progress is to work on yourself (whatever is your favorite tool, therapy, meditation, etc).
Because it will improve the compassion you feel (for others, but more importantly, for yourself: a lot of the debate is going on inside), and giving a compassionate shape to your words will then be more natural, fluid, and therefore, will be less likely to melt away in a real life debate.
But trying to sound compassionate when you are angry doesn't work very well. And it requires a huge amount of energy to maintain (ask any politician :)).
This is one of those areas where "fake it until you make it" shows its limits.
However, it does improve the quality of your exchanges a lot on the long run, and for me, it's really worth it.
I'm not saying don't try to fake it, but rather, understand where the ceiling is.
> But trying to sound compassionate when you are angry doesn't work very well. And it requires a huge amount of energy to maintain (ask any politician :)).
But that's a good and self-reinforcing thing! If you are spending all your energy on compassion, then you are not spending your energy on talking angrily, and so are inadvertently lulled into listening, or at least not over-talking. If one can't be genuinely compassionate yet, then at least falling into a neutral non-attacking position is a good thing.
Nowever it's not uncommon to build frustration that way. Let's disregard the fact it's a highway to unhappiness. One day, one may not have enough energy to keep this frustration at bay, then anger will flow.
Anger is a funny thing, it can lend you temporarilly a lot of energy (that you pay back with interest later). So even if you didn't have any for compassion, suddenly, you might find you have a lot for destruction.
Now don't get me wrong, I think trying and failing at compassion is a worthy action, even when resulting with destruction.
In fact, some meditation technics are mostly that: you try to be compassionate, or in the moment, or just observing. You fail. You try again. For years.
> Unfortunatly, like NVC, arguing from compassion is really hard to fake.
Agreed.
> What really helps you to progress is to work on yourself (whatever is your favorite tool, therapy, meditation, etc).
This, however, is very consistent with NVC. Not just with NVC but with most communications books - especially those involving difficult issues. These books focus more on figuring out what's inside of you than in the actual verbal communication. If you're upset/angry, the goal is to understand what is causing you to be angry and how you got there - why would you get angry and someone else wouldn't?
Indeed it's a better way to put it than my comment: it's not as important to note than faking it is hard, rather that really understanding it is something that goes deeper than an exchange of words.
However, I would say that it's ok to start with just the words. There is a first step to everything.
I'd argue that often what's inside of us (at least in side of me) is a lot of verbal communication. Maybe you mean the verbal communication we do with others, yet I just wanted to say I think the language we use with ourselves is often the language we use with others. I've found that yes, working on how I talk to myself has helped how I talk to others. For example, I'm not an idiot when I make a mistake, I'm angry at a specific behavior I did.
So I try to pay attention to how I speak to myself and how I speak to others, trying to learn from both. E.g., I just said "gosh, how stupid are you" to someone (or thought it), wait, how often do I say that to myself?
You may force yourself to practice it, and you will improve. But as soon as you get heat up in the moment, it will all go away.
What really helps you to progress is to work on yourself (whatever is your favorite tool, therapy, meditation, etc).
Because it will improve the compassion you feel (for others, but more importantly, for yourself: a lot of the debate is going on inside), and giving a compassionate shape to your words will then be more natural, fluid, and therefore, will be less likely to melt away in a real life debate.
But trying to sound compassionate when you are angry doesn't work very well. And it requires a huge amount of energy to maintain (ask any politician :)).
This is one of those areas where "fake it until you make it" shows its limits.
However, it does improve the quality of your exchanges a lot on the long run, and for me, it's really worth it.
I'm not saying don't try to fake it, but rather, understand where the ceiling is.