You're pointing a finger at the wrong villain. Laravel's your culprit not core PHP. I have no idea what mind-altering substances that crowd got into when they decided to objectify everything all the time, but it isn't a hallmark of either the language or good coding practices and the result is so hard to debug it requires it's own toolchain. Fun Fact: Drupal's core team threw a big chunk of it's community developers overboard switching to this bullshit. Net result: they bricked the project's credibility listening to the wrong people and lost a bunch of market share and mindspace because of it. A shame too, the project could have credibly challenged Wordpress if they'd gone another way.