From a secure, undisclosed location from some secret
intercepts via advanced technological means from an
interview in a secure vault inside a Faraday cage
with multi-sensor shielding in bedrock deep under
the Senate chamber:
Interviewer: Chairman Feinstein, what can you tell
us about the USPS data collection just reported by
the NYT?
Chairman Feinstein: Our committee received highly
confidential, double secret, triple national command
authority top secret, quadruple crypto secret, eyes
only, not to be remembered (as in the movie Men in
Black -- it wasn't just a movie) on the main
threats to US national security.
Interviewer: And?
Chairman Feinstein: We got the best of the best of
the best.
Interviewer: And?
Chairman Feinstein: Well, we learned about the main
threats to US national security, in descending order
of seriousness, (1) invisible squads of ETs
corrupting our precious bodily fluids, (2) marauding
giant herds of 100 ton, angry, rabid mastodons
destroying our cities, and (3) progress in the
genetics of intelligence that produced a strain of
giant rats with intelligence and cunning far above
that of humans. Yes, the rats have escaped and are
now breeding rapidly in the sewers of our major East
Coast cities and spreading quickly west. They have
been stowaways on airlines and now are colonizing
San Francisco and spreading rapidly on the West
Coast.
Interviewer: And why have we not heard of these
massive dangers before?
Chairman Feinstein: Isn't it obvious? The intense
work of our committee, yes, with that of the House,
and our national security command authority has been
successful.
Interviewer: But what about the Boston bombers?
Chairman Feinstein: Well, nearly successful. But
that was a small gap compared with invisible squads
of ETs, marauding mastodons, and super genius
intelligent giant rats.
Interviewer: But what did all of that work cost?
Chairman Feinstein: The budget is classified, so
high that no one can see it, not even God.
Interviewer: Ms. Chairman, thank you for your
interview, and I'm sure all US citizens will be
intensely interested in the work of you and your
committee.
Interviewer: Chairman Feinstein, what can you tell us about the USPS data collection just reported by the NYT?
Chairman Feinstein: Our committee received highly confidential, double secret, triple national command authority top secret, quadruple crypto secret, eyes only, not to be remembered (as in the movie Men in Black -- it wasn't just a movie) on the main threats to US national security.
Interviewer: And?
Chairman Feinstein: We got the best of the best of the best.
Interviewer: And?
Chairman Feinstein: Well, we learned about the main threats to US national security, in descending order of seriousness, (1) invisible squads of ETs corrupting our precious bodily fluids, (2) marauding giant herds of 100 ton, angry, rabid mastodons destroying our cities, and (3) progress in the genetics of intelligence that produced a strain of giant rats with intelligence and cunning far above that of humans. Yes, the rats have escaped and are now breeding rapidly in the sewers of our major East Coast cities and spreading quickly west. They have been stowaways on airlines and now are colonizing San Francisco and spreading rapidly on the West Coast.
Interviewer: And why have we not heard of these massive dangers before?
Chairman Feinstein: Isn't it obvious? The intense work of our committee, yes, with that of the House, and our national security command authority has been successful.
Interviewer: But what about the Boston bombers?
Chairman Feinstein: Well, nearly successful. But that was a small gap compared with invisible squads of ETs, marauding mastodons, and super genius intelligent giant rats.
Interviewer: But what did all of that work cost?
Chairman Feinstein: The budget is classified, so high that no one can see it, not even God.
Interviewer: Ms. Chairman, thank you for your interview, and I'm sure all US citizens will be intensely interested in the work of you and your committee.