This is a fantastic post and hits really close to home. I'm currently going through almost the exact same situation, where I'm effectively being demoted due to my general lack of kindness.
It's also important to note that if boz is anything like me, he probably had to be almost fired for the lesson to go through. For most of my life, people have been telling me I need to be kinder (especially my parents), but I've never cared until now. It's certainly held me back socially, but never professionally. I never received a worse grade for being unkind. I never lost out on a job opportunity (being unkind is different from being an asshole). Until getting demoted, I never felt kindness was relevant to success.
It stings, but I've finally realized that I need to act on this. I'm re-reading Dale Carnegie and am, more importantly, trying to deliberately consider the emotional impact of everything I say. (If anyone has advice or resources, I'm all ears.)
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I probably should have posted this on a throwaway, but decided to be transparent. Please be kind.
I find it easier to be kind when I try to see things from the perspective of the other person. I quickly put myself in their position & try to understand what would be helpful and what would be counter-productive.
Observing and listening to others goes a long way.
That needy coworker that's annoying may be craving affirmation: smile when appropriate and avoid blaming their identity for their actions ("you failed" vs. "your stuff doesn't work").
Or that boss who's asking for stupid reports all the time may in fact be under intense pressure from above. While handling the pressure is technically his job, giving him some ammo to help reduce uncertainty helps reduce his headache.
Most religions have codified kindness as "do to others what you want them to do to you".
From a networking / interop perspective, it's "be strict in what you provide and lenient in what you accept".
> Most religions have codified kindness as "do to others what you want them to do to you".
I actually think the Golden Rule is very ineffective. Personally, I'd prefer if everyone got quickly to the point with me and said things quickly and plainly. While this is great for many engineers, some other people prefer a lot more subtlety.
Agreed. Anything else is a waste of time, and usually leaves me with more questions than answers.
At the same time, the quick and efficient version can still be presented in a positive - or at least nonnegative - way, which I think OP mentions: "callous indifference" is indistinguishable from "mean", for many people, which makes it difficult to work together.
> "Do unto others as they would have you do unto them."
The problem with this version is that it requires interpretation of another person's intentions and attitude - something we're exceptionally bad at and which is causing a lot of drama simply through misinterpretation.
The version that says "Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself." does not have this problem. Furthermore it scales better because you have to perform the underlying calculation only once as opposed to once per encounter. I get that this approach does not provide any guidance for handling abusive people, but I would argue they can be dealt with on a case-by-case basis. In all other cases, treating people like you would like to be treated should be a reasonable default.
It's also important to note that if boz is anything like me, he probably had to be almost fired for the lesson to go through. For most of my life, people have been telling me I need to be kinder (especially my parents), but I've never cared until now. It's certainly held me back socially, but never professionally. I never received a worse grade for being unkind. I never lost out on a job opportunity (being unkind is different from being an asshole). Until getting demoted, I never felt kindness was relevant to success.
It stings, but I've finally realized that I need to act on this. I'm re-reading Dale Carnegie and am, more importantly, trying to deliberately consider the emotional impact of everything I say. (If anyone has advice or resources, I'm all ears.)
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I probably should have posted this on a throwaway, but decided to be transparent. Please be kind.